A blizzard sweeps through the city skyscrapers, howling with such ferocity that even the streetlights creak in fear. You’ve stared outside your window hoping that the winter gods will gift you temporary respite, at least enough for you to reach your car with minimal frostbite. Looking out onto the street, there is a man pouring freshly brewed coffee on his car door handle to melt the ice. His coffee. On a car door. Another man is trudging through the knee-high snow looking like Jack Nicholson from the end of The Shining.
You mutter a short prayer before peeking at the thermostat. Minus 30 degrees. Minus 38 with wind-chill. Swimsuit season, eh? Your gaze wanders to the wardrobe and you see that monstrosity of a winter coat hanging there. You drape it over your shoulders and look in the mirror. Hagrid? Is that you?!?! A frown settles on your face. This is the best I can look during the winter? No, we won’t allow it.
When did the time of year determine the quality of your appearance? Never. Your style should never be compromised in order to dress warmly. For Winter’s piercing cold, you need a suitable, yet sophisticated, wardrobe to combat the elements. The cold is not here to be your friend. You are here to fight it. You are here to win. And you’ll look hella’ good doing so.
Some ground rules for gentlemen’s winterwear:
- Go buy some real winter clothes. Never settle using your school hoodie and sweatpants as a “Meh, I’ll use what I have” solution. That’s not an actual solution.
- When investing in a winter wardrobe, go all-out. We spend half the year in near-zero temperatures if we’re lucky. It would be very wise to have two separate wardrobes: One for winter, one for everything else.
- Please don’t be one of those faux-macho guys wearing a t-shirt at near zero-degree weather. Nobody’s impressed unless they’re keeping tabs on how many times you’ve managed to survive hypothermia.
Outerwear
The great philosopher, Yoda, once said, “Size matters not”. Well, clearly he has never thrown on a coat to visit the ice planet Hoth OR spent a winter in Canada. In the realm of winter apparel, size is everything. Now behave, you’re better than that. In addition to size (full coverage of your body), your ideal coat should be as lightweight as possible without compromising your warmth.
The golden mark of a worthy coat is the combination of natural materials (warmer than synthetics) with stitched lining (holds better than glued). Whatever your outerwear selection is, make sure it is form fitting for two reasons. Functionally, it will prevent any rogue winds from seeping through any exposed gaps. Aesthetically, it will emphasize a streamlined silhouette, slimming down your already bulky exterior.
Here are the four outerwear options that should be in every man’s arsenal against the coldest conditions winter has to offer.
*Note: When trying on coats, wear the clothing you expect to pair with this jacket underneath. *
| Outerwear: | Parka | Shearling | Overcoat | Trench Coat |
| If you want to: | -High-five a polar bear. | -Look badass while dogfighting over Normandy. | -Audition as a James Bond villain. | -Charm the Queen over tea and crumpets. |
| It is basically: | -Wearing plush, warm pillows all over. | – Being dressed as a sheep. | -An elegant jacket that looks like a suit blazer. | -The coat Neo wears in The Matrix. |
| Best-known brand: | -Canada Goose. Represent. | -Ralph Lauren. Layer some plaid underneath for that raw, cowboy toughness. | -Any designer brand. Really, if they mess up the overcoat, they shouldn’t be considered a designer brand. | -Burberry. The Brits know their rainwear. |
| The Materials: | -Goose/duck feathers stuffed to form a safeguard, keeping warm air in and cold air out.
-The quality of the feathers are measured by two factors: compressibility (more feathers the better) and lightness (so you can stuff more into the parka. They really care about stuffing feathers.)
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-Only the bravest lambs willing to keep you warm. The hides from yearling lambs are tanned and then cut to measure.
-When it comes to durability and comfort, shearling coats punch well above their weight class. The superiority of the natural materials will justify every penny spent of shearling wool. |
-Cashmere’s delicate build will keep you warm until the weather becomes unforgiving. When that time comes, switch to wool as its heavier build can take a beating.
-The ideal overcoat has a knee-length cut and hugs the body as a tailored suit would. Pop the collar as a wind cover for the back of your neck as well as a style point bonus of over 9000.
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-Utility and sophistication meet in the modern day trench coat, which combines a waterproof cape over the British greatcoat.
-Designed for officers in the early 1900s, the coat was adapted to withstand the horrid condition of trenches, making it the exemplary choice on those damp, slushy days.
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| Lowest temperature: | Down to -94°C. Yeah. | -10°C to -20°C
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-15°C and above | -0°C and above |
| Exhibit A: |  |
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Gloves
- Wool: Wool gloves provide a breathable, water-resistant shield for your hands. The tough exterior of wool is usually reinforced with a fleece-lined interior for optimal comfort and protection against winds. A bonus with wool gloves is that you can absolutely go to town on the designs and colour combinations, similar to ties in formal wear, adding your own personal flair to any outfit.
- Leather: Lambskin gloves are the dressiest winter accessory available and an absolute master-class addition to any outfit. With a cashmere-lined interior and supple leather, the glove will mould to the contours of your hand with every movement. Think about it this way: The moment you slip on the gloves is the most uncomfortable they will ever be. If you’re a bells-and-whistles sort of guy, keep in mind any gloves with buckles or clasps should be reserved for more adventurous outfits. A pair of button-clasp leather gloves with a shearling jacket and aviators will bring back that James Dean bad-boy swagger.
Headwear
- Toque: Fleece lined wool hats would be the ideal winter hat choice for the same reasons wool gloves are great for your hands. For big-headed folks like myself, go with the modern slouch beanie so that your head won’t look like it’s about to Hulk out of those regular-sized toques.
- Earmuffs: Do you have David Beckham-level flow game but don’t want your hat to flatten it out? Use earmuffs to keep your ears warm while maintaining your styled hair. The cold air will actually firm up the shape of the hair. If it’s windy, save yourself from styling twice and just bring the hair gel to work.
Scarf
- Cashmere: Light as a feather and elegant in shape, cashmere’s fine texture makes it the most comfortable choice for your scarf. By tying it in layers, the stacked fabric will offset the material’s lack of windproof power.
- Wool: Cashmere’s bulkier alternative, its volume allows it to cover more of your neck effectively. Beware: If improperly maintained, the piled wool fibres can irritate the sensitive skin on your neck.
- Merino Wool: One of the most versatile and high-quality materials around, merino wool is soft to the touch and usually blended with silk and cashmere for overpowering comfort. Because of its unique characteristic to draw moisture and heat away from the skin, yet still retain the heat, it is a staple in high-end athletic wear.
Overlooked Accessories
- Ski mask: When it’s cold enough that the air hurts your face, it’s time to break out the ski masks. This is when functionality trumps aesthetics in winter apparel. Remember any exposed skin in these temperatures will be subject to wind burn and risk long-term skin damage. You may think “Nah, I don’t need that”. You may also think that about toilet plungers until it’s too late. Save yourself the regret and buy one. Just remember to take it off way before entering a bank.
- Winter leggings: No, we aren’t talking about those curvaceous yoga pants that cute waitress across the street wears to spin class. We’re talking about long johns, the layer between your underwear and your pants. Why should you only load up layers on top and not for your lower half? Just a tad unfair, don’t you think? Merino wool is the best material: Warm yet still light and breathable, so it won’t build rashes at the areas in contact with skin.
- Wool socks: The best option for winter socks bar none. Wool socks will keep your feet toasty warm while its only weakness (wind-resistance) will be neutralized by your boots.
- Maintenance:
- Moisturizer: Your chapped, bloody knuckles immediately render all handshakes and fist bumps uncool and unsanitary.
- Lip Balm: The only thing worse than chapped knuckles are chapped lips. Don’t let it happen, or risk suffering Joker-mouth every time you speak.
- Leather Cream: Not for you, genius. Winter’s unforgiving nature will require you to treat all leather goods with care. From slush to snow, leather must be maintained to prolong its lifespan. So dab a pea-sized amount of cream on any scuffed or cracked areas and store them in a cool, dry area.
Conclusion
Suited up in your winterwear, you look at the mirror and can actually recognize yourself in your reflection, a polarizing difference from the previous Hagrid-coat. You wipe your forehead sweat as the overwhelming heat from being indoors pushes you to step outside. You reach the front door, raring to go, kick it open yelling “Sparta!” and dare winter to do its worst. Fortunately, diplomacy prevails and you calmly step outside.
The icy winds pummel you at full force, screaming at you to curl up and retreat, yet you remain unfazed. Anyone else in the same spot would have thought twice before treading out into the frigid apocalypse ahead. Prepared, you relish hearing the snow crunch beneath your feet, step after step.
Looking out into the street, not a single person dares to venture out and face this polar vortex. It’s just you and the cold. You inhale that crisp air into your lungs, stare at the white abyss, and smile.
There’s no place like home.
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